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featherstrive

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[18 Sep 2007|11:54am]
 Forget what I said below, there is no way that I am going to recovery now, feel huge! The end is not nigh its only just begun!!!
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The end is nigh [22 Aug 2007|01:47pm]

I think that even though I have been away for ages, I am slowly thinking I should be away forever. My bf broke up with me on Saturday, for various reasons- one being that he has given up on me. 

I can't believe how this obsession of mine has caused me to loose the most amazing guy I have ever and will ever meet. That can't be good surely? Not when I have my parents, sister, and two of my closest friends worrying about me and pleading with me to get help. I have always thought that what I was doing was normal and that there was nothing wrong with me, but after a while of everybody telling you to get help you start to realise that this just isn't!

I went to the nurse today- the first step of many I think. She has sent me to have a blood test, told me to put on weight, and said that my heart rate was too high and that I may have an infection and that I was dehydrated. I didn't tell her anything else- not ready yet- but it will be soon, this will stop.

I can't loose anyone else..... But I have to do this for me now. I have to show him that I can and that I am getting better

I've screwed this right up and I never thought it would get to this. 

Don't put yourself through the pain that I have gone through, if someone is telling you to get help DO IT. No ifs, no buts, no "just let me get to this weight" Just do it because you might get to a point where nobody is there anymore and then you really are screwed.

Not signing off just yet, can't quite let go, but the time when I say goodbye for good is imminent 

 

xxxxx

 

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I'm back [09 Aug 2007|01:15pm]
Ok so after 87 weeks I back posting again, 

I finished uni last year and I've been working in London ever since. Lost about 14lbs in the last year. And now I'm planning to loose another 14lbs in the next few months. 

I used to really enjoy updating this journal and getting support and encouragement from people that don't judge you. And people who understand and don't try to stop you. So I'm back to keep you updated on my progress. This time I will succeed, this time I will wait until i'm completely happy.

xxx
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[03 Dec 2005|01:37pm]
I woke up this morning really shakey, maybe it was my body finally reacting to my restricting or it was the amount of diet pills I took yesterday. Anyway, my friend is really annoyed with me at the moment, because I usually tell her everything but obviously I've got to keep all of this from her as she doesn't approve. She knows i'm doing it.

Last night one of my housemates, who was very drunk, was like "Do you ever throw up your food?" right in front of her bf! I said no but she knew from my reaction that it was a yes, she hasn't mensioned it today so I'm hoping that she was too drunk to remember the conversation, which is quite likely!
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Back again [29 Nov 2005|04:16pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Hey,
Ok, so its been ages since I've updated my journal. Last time I was at the start of a fast. This fast finished early, I felt like a failer but one of my housemates (my best friend) was really concerned and as it was the end of the year she had loads of work and so did I, it was adding to her stresses. It would have been selfish for me to continue. However, I did manage to convince her to go on a diet with me, which worked as she was off my case but the annoying thing was she was loosing more weight then me! Cause she's heavier than me.

Anyway, as you may have guessed as I'm writing in my journal again, I'm back to my old lifestyle, not fasting, but restricting. My friend has already been on at me but this time I'm not letting her affect me.

I'm back with my ex after having a year away from each other. He doesn't know what's been going on with me because at the moment he has other, more inportant things to deal with.

So far I've lost 4lbs, in a week, I've missed saying stuff like that! At the moment I'm planning to loose about a stone. I'm thinking of starting fast soon.

So thats me at the moment!

J xx

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[24 Apr 2005|10:24am]
[ mood | determined ]

So its day four of my fast and I've lost about 3.5 pounds. I bought some electronic scales so i'm weighing myself every secound now! I'm feeling fine at the mo and my housemates have not yet noticed! amazingly! Starting to run low of energy but i love that feeling! I can't belive I haven't done this for so long! and the four days have gone so quick now i can't stop untill I break my record of two weeks, from then I think it'll be a breeze!

Lots of love

jxxx

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[21 Apr 2005|08:17pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Hey,

Ok so I haven't posted in ages, and I know that I keep saying that I'm going to get into this again but this time I actually am. Recently I have been taken over by others and have started to loose control. I have to get that back now as I think I'm completely loosing it! I won't be going home for the next month or so, so I know I don't have to worry that I will be forsed to eat all I have to get over is my controlling housemates! Anyway I've started a fast today, and I'm already getting excited about the amount of weight that I can loose! I think that I need to buy myself some decent scales so that I can keep track. I've already worked out how much weight I could loose over the next few weeks so if I stick to the plan I'll have reached my goal weight. I just have to keep on track as this is the longest fast that I have ever planned. I hope I can do it though, I think that by keeping a diary on here I'll be able to be inspired so that I don't start listerning to my housemates telling me how stupid I'm being.

Anyway, just got to get though the next few days, then it'll be easy. The first days of a fast are always the worst!

Lots of love,

jxx

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[17 Feb 2005|11:58pm]
[ mood | down ]

Haven't posted in a while, again I know, been really busy with uni work again!

Anyway sort of on track, today was shit- good for eating or lack of it- but shit day in otherways. The reason that I haven't eaten much today is because I'm feeling like shit, which is good in a way.

My ex bf sent me a really nasty message today, calling me a "little slut" and other names that I don't really want on my journal, as one in particular I class as the harshest word that you can call anyone. But anyway, I haven't replyed to the email, and I don't intend to, I wouldn't even know where to start. I hate him so much, but the thing that is getting me so so so down is that he was supposed to be the one person in the world that knows me the most, so surely if he says this horrible stuff to me it must be true?

If it is then, and I'm believing it is, then I am the most horrible person in the world. I don't actually deserve to eat, I need to waste away, become a skeleton. I hate him, but I HATE myself even more.

Sorry for a depressing entry, but i don't really feel like saying anything else.

oh yeah I cut myself yesterday, shit loads of blood but I deservered it.

Also had a blood test today, to see why I'm bruising so much, I'll let you know what happens.

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[23 Jan 2005|06:14pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Friends,

So I haven't updated in ages, but I haven't been bad at all really, I suppose this weekend has not be great but I'm still at a weight that I like. Obviously I still want to b smaller, and I will but for I'm doing ok. I'm on track! I've started to cut out dinner entirly and my housemates haven't even really noticed. I wonder if I started to cut out lunch as well whether they'd notice that!

I'll update in a couple of days to let you guys know whats going on, I've missed writing in this journal so I should really start it up again!

xx

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[21 Nov 2004|11:01pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Ok so change from my thoughts yesterday, I know that I change quite often but the thing is that I realised, that this time it is about weight. I will be seeing my ex at christmas and I have to be as small and in control as possible. He will notice, so it is important that he does. That is why I will be in total control of my eating over the next few weeks and I will not binge when I go home at the weekend.

I will stay in control.

Just got to keep thinking about the focus, maybe I should have a thinspiration file to carry around with me so that I can stay on track.

Anyway thats the new plan.

Today was a semi good day, I don't usually like to convey what I have eaten each day, but maybe in will keep me focused.
So I had

Cup-a-soup 55cals
cereal bar 85cals
lentil soup 152cals
cereal bar 85cals

thats 322cals altogether, which actually doesn't seem that impressive, I think that I'll have to cut down on the cereal bars.

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[20 Nov 2004|07:01pm]
Ahh!

Just bought some slimming pills off ebay! Shit!

Went on my ex's ebay account and saw that he has bought some so I couldn't let him have all the fun!
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Control [20 Nov 2004|06:00pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So I’ve been thinking, lately my life has sort of spiralled out of control. Its stressing me out. But then this leads me to think about why I am stressed, why do I need control? When it comes to anything in my life I need to be in control, at uni, in relationships, and inevitably my eating. What has caused this ‘hunger’ for control? Why do I get stressed when I don’t know how many cals I’ve consumed. I don’t understand.

My ex was a writer and he once wrote the start of story about me. I read over it today, about when we first met and how I was back then, I want to be like that again. I want to start another fast. I know that you put on a load of weight when you finish the fast, but for once this isn’t about weight, its about control, its about restriction, punishment.

Its starts tomorrow.

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Amsterdam [17 Nov 2004|06:31pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Last week I went to Amsterdam and my eating went totally out of control! I was eating out with my friend every night and so didn't have a clue how many cals I was consuming! I'm back on track now and those pounds are slowly coming off. I dread to think how much weight I put on when I was away! But feeling thinner by the day!

I've been cutting myself lately which is something that I haven't done in ages. I'm seeing the guy that I'm dating tonight and I'm so afraid that he’ll see the cuts and ask me about them! I don’t want to get into stuff with him. Because he really doesn’t need to know!

Until next time, keep thinking thin! x

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[31 Oct 2004|10:25am]
[ mood | content ]

So for the past week or so I've been keeping myself to 500 cals a day which has been working out great. I'm already feeling thinner which is good as last Friday I slept with the guy that I been seeing. I still felt totally self conscious but at least its a little improvement from a couple of weeks ago!

I'm not sure how much I weigh, and I won't know till christmas when I'm planning to go back home as we have electronic scales which are so much more precise. Maybe I should invest in some, although I do drive myself crazy because I'm weighing myself every 5 mins! (I'm sure you girls can relate)

Anyway, at christmas I will probably be meeting up with my ex, so that sort of provides a little target for me. So by christmas I want to weigh under 100lbs. I hope I can do it!

Jx

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[23 Oct 2004|10:28am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Good morning!

Ok now I have more time, I can properly update.

Firstly, I broke up with my boyfriend last saturday. We had been going out for about 1 yr and 4 months. There was various reasons for this, for one I felt way too young to be in such a serious relationship and I just wanted to have a bit of fun for a while. Another reason was that I felt we were getting to comfortable together, he would always do really sweet things that would make me so happy but these things just stopped. Also when I was with him I couln't stop myself from eating junk food! So I think its best that that temptation has gone, because since being with him I've put on about 4lbs! There are so many more reasons that but I won't bore you with them. But I think you should understand why he had to go!

Anyway, I know its only been a week but I'm seeing this other guy, he is so amazing but I'm stopping myself from having a relationship with him as that is NOT WHAT I WANT! but it is so difficult because he is so cute! I knew that he liked me because he told he a year ago and then again two weeks ago (another reason to break up with the bf)

So as I said i've been doing this less than 500 cals thing whick seems too be working, but then I've also been plurging which I HATE doing but sometimes there's no other choice. I haven't been to the gym for ages but I will hopefully start that up again soon.

Must go now I have to start some work!

Jxxxxxx

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[22 Oct 2004|07:06pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Hey Friends,

I'm back on-line! It took a while and I've been missing you all so much!

To update on the weight front, I have been taking a new approach and so instead ofcompletely starving myself, I've been having less than 500 cals per day and its been working a treat! its suprising how little cals are in certain things!

I've been quite sucessful with this approach as i lost about 4-5 pounds in the first week which I think is pretty good!

Anyway have to rush off have a date, oh yeah I split up with my boyfriend, but I'll explain more later!

See ya soon anas

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Sorry [07 Sep 2004|05:21pm]
Hello friends, I don't know if anybody is watching my journal as I haven't posted in so long that you have probably all given up on me.

I have strayed a little from ana as being at home and near my boyfreind makes it so hard!

Anyway almost time for uni so I will be back on track soon enough, can't wait!

reply if you are watching, just so I know!
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Update [21 Jun 2004|09:38am]
[ mood | content ]

Hey,

I haven't updated in ages so I thought that I would give everybody the lowdown. I've put some weight back on as I've been at home where I'm not part of a gym and of course I have my mum and bf watching what I do.

I'm not stressing though, I know that I can loose the weight again. I'm looking forward to september already when I'm back at uni, living on my own. I'm going to try and loose some weight the way that I used to when I lived at home. Which, as I've said before is more fun.

I will try and post sometime this summer, but its difficult.

I speak to you all soon!

Think thin girles!

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[01 Jun 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So I ate like a pig over the weekend, I feel like complete shit. I miss my bf so much, I really want to see him and I can't be bothered to do anything. I had a presentation this morning which was crap, so I went to the gym to run away from my problems. It worked quite well, I burned loads of cals at the same time so that is always a bonus.

I just don't want to be like this anymore I want to get rid of all the fat/imperfections that are surrounding my body.

I've started another fast today, I just want to be thin again.

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[29 May 2004|08:16am]
[ mood | happy ]

Its the last day of my fast but I'm so happy because I have reached my 2nd short term weight. Now I have only 5lbs til my ltg! I'm hoping to loose that next week when I start another fast! I can't wait, however I don't know how long I will fasting for this time, I'm not sure what my circumstances will be over the next week or two!

I'll keep you posted!

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